Change has finally happened

So its been a long time since I have posted on here.  I checked my last post and I talked about how I needed to change myself physically.  I can honestly say that change has happened.  I have lost about 72lbs.  Which is huge.  I have a lot more to go but I can say that I have actually did something that I set out to do.  As a bigger person I had always been proud of the fact that my blood work and my blood pressure was really good.  In fact I use to shock medical professionals because of this.  Most people of my size suffer from many health ailments.  I felt like I had some how beat the "system". But about 2-3 years ago some of my blood work started to go in the not so good direction and it scared me.  My triglycerides were off the chart.  So I knew that I really had to do something.  I knew that having them high put me at greater risk for stroke and heart disease.  Plus about this time I started to have a lot of female issues that I had not had before.  So I said ok this is it.  I am not beating the "system" anymore.

So thanks to the Scentsy Wellnes program I was able to really push through some blocks.  I will also admit that I did take a weight loss pill that was prescribed.  And admittedly it helped but not in the way it was suppose to help.  This pill just helped me stay focused.  It didn't curb my appetite like it was supposed to but in fact made me hungrier.  Sounds like that would be a bad thing but in my case it was quite the opposite.  See I am not your typical obese person.  I don't sit around eating bags of potato chips and cookies till I can't walk anymore.  I don't constantly think of food.  I don't have an addiction to food.  My biggest problem is not eating when I am supposed to. I wouldn't eat breakfast and then wait till like 2 or so to eat.  Then I would eat dinner around 8.  By doing this I was causing so many problems for my weight.  So the medication helped me keep focused on eating when I was supposed to and focused on being prepared.  I don't take that medication anymore because of the side effects I had mixed with the birth control pills I am on for my female problems.  And I am happy to report that I am still losing weight without it.

One of my biggest problems is I do sabotage my self for some reason I am still trying to figure out.  I will go out of the house without having my snacks or lunch packed.  Or I will leave without my water bottle. Or that I don't take my fish oil (really good for inflammation I use it to help with my tendonitis) or my Vitamin D (I was extremely deficient a few months ago but now am back to normal).   I will say to myself as I am leaving "I know I should really do these things....but I just don't feel like it."  On those days I do regret doing that.  Because then I feel crappy the rest of the day.  When I do what I am supposed to do with my eating I feel so much better.  Also when I get enough water in the day I feel great.

I am still very much in the process of trying to figure myself out.  I know I have stored a lot of feelings and hurt inside myself and that is the real reason I am overweight.  Once I can let go of all that and let my true voice speak I will be free and I will be healthy inside and out.  Its going to take time but at least I am on the right path.

Change is hard.  As I have posted in years past that I need to change but have found that I haven't been able to change physically.  Now that I am approaching 35 I have a sudden urge to finally make that happen.  I was doing really good when I got back from the Scentsy Convention in Las Vegas at the end of July but then stumbled upon a little upset that knocked me off track.  Luckily I didn't go back to my starting weight but I didn't move forward.  I have come to the conclusion that I really need to dig deep this time.  I need to unravel all the reasons of why I am overweight.  I know one of the main reasons is I keep things in and I try to make others happy more than myself.  For some reason I think that other's peoples feelings are more important than mine.  I internalize other peoples problems.  I need to find ways to let the stress out of my body and I know that when that happens the weight will melt off.  

great quote

I found this in a article ‎"just because a relationship ends does not mean it was a failure. Each relationship showers us with gifts. For instance, joining our heart with another’s allows us to express and experience our deepest desires for emotional and physical intimacy" by Phil Bolsta.

issues

family issues are for the birds as my grandma would say. i feel like i am in a bubble sometimes that no one could understand the way i feel.  i also have some issues within myself about my past that i can't escape despite my efforts to move past them.  i feel that i am forever doomed to be haunted by memories of times past.  i guess that is ok but sometimes it makes me sad and feel a little hopeless like i am trapped in an episode of the twighlight zone. some people think it is great the way i can recall things but sometimes i think it can be more of a problem for me than a pleasure.  i can be walking thru the day and just be flooded with memories from all times of my life good, bad, funny, horrible, love , laughter, pain.....it goes on and on day in day out. sometimes i wish it would just stop but then i think well that is how people live on once they have exited your life or their own life. 

anyways i know i am just being emotional right now and it will pass soon but wanted to vent :)

longing

Longing for the one that will set you free and rescue you from all that is wrong in the world and make you feel warm and loved. Longing for the world to be a safe place where you can walk the streets and not worry about anything. Longing for your dreams to finally become a reality and live the life you fully intended on living.  Longing for friends and family to celebrate every milestone you stumble apon in life. Longing for the love you fully deserve to give to yourself but can't quite find the time or energy to give.  Longing for the wisdom to know not to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Longing to repair what is wrong within oneself but don't know where to begin.

Plus Size Madam

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having issues

I am having a hell of a time moving past certain events that have happened to me in the last 10-15 years.  sometimes they aren't there but then a song will come on and will bring me right back to where i don't want to be.  there is a song by miranda lambert that talks about how she went back to the house that she grew up in and someone else was living there, that song brings me to tears.  i miss my house that i grew up in.  i miss all the memories from the house and that street.  my dad built that house (well most of it at least).  i mainly miss the family that lived there....my mom, my dad, my sister, and the dogs and cats that were there too.  i wish that just for a moment i could go back to that time.  it is so hard looking at other families and seeing them do things together.

oh well at least i have the greatest friends in the world who i consider my family.i am truely blessed in that aspect.  i need to concentrate on the positive not the negative

time to get serious

Ok so i know I am not feeling my best now but it is time to get serious because in sept i am going to go to the michael bolton concert that is coming to san diego that i have been waiting to go to since i was like 18 when i had tickets but he cancelled.  He hasn't been back to san diego that i have been aware of and when he has gotten close enough so we could drive we have never had the money or people to watch the kids.  BUT this time IT WILL HAPPEN.  I am going to go.  So here is what needs to happen. I need to start saving money for it because i really want really good tickets.  I want to have a nice dinner before it as well. I want to have a great night so i need to save a good amount so when the time comes it will be no big deal.  The other thing is i need to make sure i am "smaller" because I want to make sure I am comfy in the seats that they have.  there is nothing worse then going to a place and you find that you are squeazing into seats or the seat is uncomfortable because your ass is to big.  The good thing is that my husband is on board too.  He said the 15th would be the day he would start really exercising again and watching what he eats.  He even shaved his head so he could be a "new"man. I am hoping this is the last time that we have "start" again.  This weekend i realized how important it is to me that I lose the weight.  I was having some chest pain due to my lungs not feeling good but i kept thinking what if it was more than that.  It is a real possibility that being my size i could have a heart problem.  The good thing is that my cholesteral is actually really good and i don't have high blood pressure or any other problems except sleep apnea which is bad but i could be in worse shape at my size.  Anyways i got to run i got to get ready for work and for my mother-n-law to come over to watch the kids.  Thank goodness she doesn't have to work today because we can't afford to take the day off.  ta ta for now.
Plus Size Madam

not so good

i haven't been doing my songs lately because i haven't been feeling the best. really tired and sore.  I am hoping to have a relaxing weekend so i can reboot myself. i did fill my fridge with some good food last night which is a start.  i got spinich, mini bell peppers(they tast really good when you roast them), mushrooms, grape tomatoes, asparagus, wheat pasta, brown rice, just to name a few.  I love Costco for getting produce.  I go to the regular store and look at a package of grape tomatoes and see that it is way small and would pay like $3 for them but at costco for $5 i can get like 4x the amount.  Will we eat all of them??? YES! my family loves them.  And spinich at costco for a HUGE bag is less the $4 but at the store a small bag is like $4.  Will we eat all of it?  Most of it yes so even if we didn't eat it all we are still saving money.  Oh a good way to cook spinich is to put a little olive oil and garlic in a saute pan and then add the spinich add some sea salt and talk about yummie.  Yesterday I was proud of myself because i was out and about after dropping the kids off and  i was hungry so i was trying to decide what to get...i could go to McDonalds because they now have my favorite sausage biscuit on the dollar menu..i could go to starbucks and get a frap and scone...BUT i went to subway and bought a foot long and had them wrap  both sides so i ate one for breakfast and one for lunch.  So for $5 i had breakfast and lunch.  I put some nice veggies on the sandwhich so i think it was a better choice.

2 and a half

only 2 and a half songs today i don't have much time and am a little sore from yesterday.  i really worked myself during those 3 songs then i was doing a lot of leg stuff during the day.  i got to run oh the songs i did today were Soul Provider by my favorite Michael Bolton.  To that song i did slow dance stuff but I could really feel it...maybe because i am sore :) then Push It By Salt and Pepper came on and I couldn't resist that.  The last half of song was Missy Elliot Get your freak on.  I'm out.

Plus Size Madam

3 songs again

So i started with Wild Thing by Tone Loc(may have spelled that wrong)  then went to Humpty Dance by Digital Underground and then finished with a chair dance of Play that Funky Music by Wild Cherry I think that is the band.  Yesterday I was able to do a lot of leg stuff during my work day. i will try to do more today.  I am going to take my walking shoes and see if I can take a walk on my lunch break but I am not sure if I will be able to but i will try...Babysteps.I think it will really depend on if i can remember to take my shoes :).

Miranda Lambert

I have to admit when Miranda Lambert came out i didn't like her music but after carefully listening to her music I really like it.  I feel in love with Gun Powder and Lead when I really listened to the lyrics.  Her new song White Liar i love it.  I think one reason why i didn't like her that much was because we saw her open for Tobey Keith and I didn't think her performance was that great it sounded like she was yelling to much and I couldn't understand the lyrics but I think that was because she was new but I have since seen her perform on live shows and have to change my opinion about her.

Plus Size Madam

3 songs so far today

Ok so my 3 songs today were Boggie Shoes LOVE that song, Tootsie Roll and OPP i know weird mix but it worked for me.  I am currently Jump Around while typing but i am still moving while sitting.  i call it chair dancing where you move your body like you were dancing...i wish i could do this at work but that would look funny.  WOO HOO HERE COMES VANILLA ICE BABY...ICE ICE BABY NOW STOP :)  MUST GET UP AND DANCE OUT BABY

update

I haven't written about my babysteps in a bit.  but i have been able to do my one song a day most days and on the days i didn't i have been dancing in my seat while driving or doing some extra leg bends at work. I do need to step it up this week though it is time to get serious.  I think one of the biggest problems i have and maybe a lot of people my weight have is that the end road seems so far away that you can't really even picture it.  It has been so long since i have been a "normal" weight I don't remember how it feels. Yesterday i found myself looking at some girls legs as she walked and i noticed that her thighs didn't touch AT ALL and I thought to myself can i even remeber a time when my legs didn't rub together.  I have been overweight like 90% of my life.  But here is another problem to is when i think of myself I don't feel like I am an overweight person.  It is only when really look in the mirror that i am like oh yeah i am "OBESE".  Of course there are other times when I realized that i now have a foot problem that is caused both by bad shoes and being overweight.  so everytime my foot acts up which is like everyday now . get reminded of my size.  But on the inside I don't feel like a heavy person. I just feel like a person. So when I am on a "diet" i feel like I am not normal and i need to realize that really I am not "normal".  I am not your standard size overweight person.  And that is hard to come to terms with but I am the one that put myself there and that is even more of a pill to swallow.  I can remeber when I was younger hoping that when I woke up in the morning I would magically be skinny and that is what I want now is to go to sleep and wake up and be a normal size.  I don't want to do the work.  I want it to just happen.  Ok so that is the lazy part of me.  I know that I..ME and ME alone is the only person that can make my dream of being smaller come true.  So again the babysteps come into play.  Babysteps Babysteps that is the only way I can make this come true.  i know that i will take a few steps back on my journey but hopefully they will not be leaps back.

Being haunted

Ever feel like the past is just sitting there right next to you everday?  I have many people and events that follow me around everyday.  Not that they make me sad but occasionally i will feel a little down.  I wish I could get rid of some of these ghosts but they keep staying with me.  Maybe they are suppose to be there and I just haven't figured out why.  I know some people who really live in the past and they let it eat them up but I have been able to go on with my life and I don't talk about the past too much  no more than anyone else i think. 

Ok so something weird happened the other day.  I was sitting at the computer one morning and I was thinking about how one of my patients had sent me and email with some information in it.  And I was thinking I should at least look at it incase they come in and ask me.  Now they sent this stuff to me a few months ago..why i suddenly thought of this that morning is beyond me but the kicker is that when i went to work that day i saw that patient.  HOW FRICKEN WEIRD IS THAT??????  Can anyone say psychic :)

just a quick post

was about to leave for school and realized i had not done my song yet so i got up and started dancing to Don't stop till you get enough by michael jackson.  to kick it up a notch i did it in heals....woo hoo to me. 

plus size madam

Breakfast at Tiffany's

I know how sad this is but I had never seen this movie till last night.  It was on the On Demand feature under TCM(Turner Classic Movies).  I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!  I had no idea it was about a prostitute although because of the era it came out of that word was never used. You had to use your imagination to understand that being paid $50 to go to the powder room meant something entirely different.  I loved Audry Hepburn in this movie.  Thanks to my film class that I took a few months ago I was able to really enjoy this movie.  Before the film class I was not inclined to watch really old movies but am finding that I do really like them.

it is sunday

Saturday I didn't do my dance to a song but i did do hula hoop motion in the bathroom for 2 minutes.  But today went for a walk with Jennifer.  I plan to dance to some music as well.  Thanks Jenn for making the trip over it was a great walk. 

Hello

Just wanted to update you on yesterday.  I was able to do one song yesterday I was to busy in the morning to do more....ok so i wanted to watch my show before i went to work but i knew i was going to do some exercise later.  I also got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the kitchen floor to that was a work out to say the least. not bad for baby steps.