great quote

I found this in a article ‎"just because a relationship ends does not mean it was a failure. Each relationship showers us with gifts. For instance, joining our heart with another’s allows us to express and experience our deepest desires for emotional and physical intimacy" by Phil Bolsta.

issues

family issues are for the birds as my grandma would say. i feel like i am in a bubble sometimes that no one could understand the way i feel.  i also have some issues within myself about my past that i can't escape despite my efforts to move past them.  i feel that i am forever doomed to be haunted by memories of times past.  i guess that is ok but sometimes it makes me sad and feel a little hopeless like i am trapped in an episode of the twighlight zone. some people think it is great the way i can recall things but sometimes i think it can be more of a problem for me than a pleasure.  i can be walking thru the day and just be flooded with memories from all times of my life good, bad, funny, horrible, love , laughter, pain.....it goes on and on day in day out. sometimes i wish it would just stop but then i think well that is how people live on once they have exited your life or their own life. 

anyways i know i am just being emotional right now and it will pass soon but wanted to vent :)

longing

Longing for the one that will set you free and rescue you from all that is wrong in the world and make you feel warm and loved. Longing for the world to be a safe place where you can walk the streets and not worry about anything. Longing for your dreams to finally become a reality and live the life you fully intended on living.  Longing for friends and family to celebrate every milestone you stumble apon in life. Longing for the love you fully deserve to give to yourself but can't quite find the time or energy to give.  Longing for the wisdom to know not to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Longing to repair what is wrong within oneself but don't know where to begin.

Plus Size Madam

Having trouble with banks

Want to try a different way to manage your money?  Are you on Chex Systems and can't get a bank account.  Click on Refer a Friend below to find out how I manage my money.

Refer a friend

having issues

I am having a hell of a time moving past certain events that have happened to me in the last 10-15 years.  sometimes they aren't there but then a song will come on and will bring me right back to where i don't want to be.  there is a song by miranda lambert that talks about how she went back to the house that she grew up in and someone else was living there, that song brings me to tears.  i miss my house that i grew up in.  i miss all the memories from the house and that street.  my dad built that house (well most of it at least).  i mainly miss the family that lived there....my mom, my dad, my sister, and the dogs and cats that were there too.  i wish that just for a moment i could go back to that time.  it is so hard looking at other families and seeing them do things together.

oh well at least i have the greatest friends in the world who i consider my family.i am truely blessed in that aspect.  i need to concentrate on the positive not the negative

time to get serious

Ok so i know I am not feeling my best now but it is time to get serious because in sept i am going to go to the michael bolton concert that is coming to san diego that i have been waiting to go to since i was like 18 when i had tickets but he cancelled.  He hasn't been back to san diego that i have been aware of and when he has gotten close enough so we could drive we have never had the money or people to watch the kids.  BUT this time IT WILL HAPPEN.  I am going to go.  So here is what needs to happen. I need to start saving money for it because i really want really good tickets.  I want to have a nice dinner before it as well. I want to have a great night so i need to save a good amount so when the time comes it will be no big deal.  The other thing is i need to make sure i am "smaller" because I want to make sure I am comfy in the seats that they have.  there is nothing worse then going to a place and you find that you are squeazing into seats or the seat is uncomfortable because your ass is to big.  The good thing is that my husband is on board too.  He said the 15th would be the day he would start really exercising again and watching what he eats.  He even shaved his head so he could be a "new"man. I am hoping this is the last time that we have "start" again.  This weekend i realized how important it is to me that I lose the weight.  I was having some chest pain due to my lungs not feeling good but i kept thinking what if it was more than that.  It is a real possibility that being my size i could have a heart problem.  The good thing is that my cholesteral is actually really good and i don't have high blood pressure or any other problems except sleep apnea which is bad but i could be in worse shape at my size.  Anyways i got to run i got to get ready for work and for my mother-n-law to come over to watch the kids.  Thank goodness she doesn't have to work today because we can't afford to take the day off.  ta ta for now.
Plus Size Madam

not so good

i haven't been doing my songs lately because i haven't been feeling the best. really tired and sore.  I am hoping to have a relaxing weekend so i can reboot myself. i did fill my fridge with some good food last night which is a start.  i got spinich, mini bell peppers(they tast really good when you roast them), mushrooms, grape tomatoes, asparagus, wheat pasta, brown rice, just to name a few.  I love Costco for getting produce.  I go to the regular store and look at a package of grape tomatoes and see that it is way small and would pay like $3 for them but at costco for $5 i can get like 4x the amount.  Will we eat all of them??? YES! my family loves them.  And spinich at costco for a HUGE bag is less the $4 but at the store a small bag is like $4.  Will we eat all of it?  Most of it yes so even if we didn't eat it all we are still saving money.  Oh a good way to cook spinich is to put a little olive oil and garlic in a saute pan and then add the spinich add some sea salt and talk about yummie.  Yesterday I was proud of myself because i was out and about after dropping the kids off and  i was hungry so i was trying to decide what to get...i could go to McDonalds because they now have my favorite sausage biscuit on the dollar menu..i could go to starbucks and get a frap and scone...BUT i went to subway and bought a foot long and had them wrap  both sides so i ate one for breakfast and one for lunch.  So for $5 i had breakfast and lunch.  I put some nice veggies on the sandwhich so i think it was a better choice.

2 and a half

only 2 and a half songs today i don't have much time and am a little sore from yesterday.  i really worked myself during those 3 songs then i was doing a lot of leg stuff during the day.  i got to run oh the songs i did today were Soul Provider by my favorite Michael Bolton.  To that song i did slow dance stuff but I could really feel it...maybe because i am sore :) then Push It By Salt and Pepper came on and I couldn't resist that.  The last half of song was Missy Elliot Get your freak on.  I'm out.

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3 songs again

So i started with Wild Thing by Tone Loc(may have spelled that wrong)  then went to Humpty Dance by Digital Underground and then finished with a chair dance of Play that Funky Music by Wild Cherry I think that is the band.  Yesterday I was able to do a lot of leg stuff during my work day. i will try to do more today.  I am going to take my walking shoes and see if I can take a walk on my lunch break but I am not sure if I will be able to but i will try...Babysteps.I think it will really depend on if i can remember to take my shoes :).

Miranda Lambert

I have to admit when Miranda Lambert came out i didn't like her music but after carefully listening to her music I really like it.  I feel in love with Gun Powder and Lead when I really listened to the lyrics.  Her new song White Liar i love it.  I think one reason why i didn't like her that much was because we saw her open for Tobey Keith and I didn't think her performance was that great it sounded like she was yelling to much and I couldn't understand the lyrics but I think that was because she was new but I have since seen her perform on live shows and have to change my opinion about her.

Plus Size Madam

3 songs so far today

Ok so my 3 songs today were Boggie Shoes LOVE that song, Tootsie Roll and OPP i know weird mix but it worked for me.  I am currently Jump Around while typing but i am still moving while sitting.  i call it chair dancing where you move your body like you were dancing...i wish i could do this at work but that would look funny.  WOO HOO HERE COMES VANILLA ICE BABY...ICE ICE BABY NOW STOP :)  MUST GET UP AND DANCE OUT BABY

update

I haven't written about my babysteps in a bit.  but i have been able to do my one song a day most days and on the days i didn't i have been dancing in my seat while driving or doing some extra leg bends at work. I do need to step it up this week though it is time to get serious.  I think one of the biggest problems i have and maybe a lot of people my weight have is that the end road seems so far away that you can't really even picture it.  It has been so long since i have been a "normal" weight I don't remember how it feels. Yesterday i found myself looking at some girls legs as she walked and i noticed that her thighs didn't touch AT ALL and I thought to myself can i even remeber a time when my legs didn't rub together.  I have been overweight like 90% of my life.  But here is another problem to is when i think of myself I don't feel like I am an overweight person.  It is only when really look in the mirror that i am like oh yeah i am "OBESE".  Of course there are other times when I realized that i now have a foot problem that is caused both by bad shoes and being overweight.  so everytime my foot acts up which is like everyday now . get reminded of my size.  But on the inside I don't feel like a heavy person. I just feel like a person. So when I am on a "diet" i feel like I am not normal and i need to realize that really I am not "normal".  I am not your standard size overweight person.  And that is hard to come to terms with but I am the one that put myself there and that is even more of a pill to swallow.  I can remeber when I was younger hoping that when I woke up in the morning I would magically be skinny and that is what I want now is to go to sleep and wake up and be a normal size.  I don't want to do the work.  I want it to just happen.  Ok so that is the lazy part of me.  I know that I..ME and ME alone is the only person that can make my dream of being smaller come true.  So again the babysteps come into play.  Babysteps Babysteps that is the only way I can make this come true.  i know that i will take a few steps back on my journey but hopefully they will not be leaps back.

Being haunted

Ever feel like the past is just sitting there right next to you everday?  I have many people and events that follow me around everyday.  Not that they make me sad but occasionally i will feel a little down.  I wish I could get rid of some of these ghosts but they keep staying with me.  Maybe they are suppose to be there and I just haven't figured out why.  I know some people who really live in the past and they let it eat them up but I have been able to go on with my life and I don't talk about the past too much  no more than anyone else i think. 

Ok so something weird happened the other day.  I was sitting at the computer one morning and I was thinking about how one of my patients had sent me and email with some information in it.  And I was thinking I should at least look at it incase they come in and ask me.  Now they sent this stuff to me a few months ago..why i suddenly thought of this that morning is beyond me but the kicker is that when i went to work that day i saw that patient.  HOW FRICKEN WEIRD IS THAT??????  Can anyone say psychic :)

just a quick post

was about to leave for school and realized i had not done my song yet so i got up and started dancing to Don't stop till you get enough by michael jackson.  to kick it up a notch i did it in heals....woo hoo to me. 

plus size madam

Breakfast at Tiffany's

I know how sad this is but I had never seen this movie till last night.  It was on the On Demand feature under TCM(Turner Classic Movies).  I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!  I had no idea it was about a prostitute although because of the era it came out of that word was never used. You had to use your imagination to understand that being paid $50 to go to the powder room meant something entirely different.  I loved Audry Hepburn in this movie.  Thanks to my film class that I took a few months ago I was able to really enjoy this movie.  Before the film class I was not inclined to watch really old movies but am finding that I do really like them.

it is sunday

Saturday I didn't do my dance to a song but i did do hula hoop motion in the bathroom for 2 minutes.  But today went for a walk with Jennifer.  I plan to dance to some music as well.  Thanks Jenn for making the trip over it was a great walk. 

Hello

Just wanted to update you on yesterday.  I was able to do one song yesterday I was to busy in the morning to do more....ok so i wanted to watch my show before i went to work but i knew i was going to do some exercise later.  I also got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the kitchen floor to that was a work out to say the least. not bad for baby steps.

3 songs today

I know I just put a post about 1 song a day but after i was done i turned on pandora to do my one song and they were playing Star Ship's We built this city so I said ok this is a beat i can do but then Michael Jackson's song The Way you Make Me Feel came on and I thought ok I can't let this song go by without dancing but then Salt n Pepper came on with Push It and no one in there right mind could pass that one up.  So i did 3 songs and i broke a sweat WOO HOO to myself thank you.

my new babystep

Ok so my new babystep is to keep moving for the entire length of a song.  I did it yesterday before work and today my arms a little sore.  So maybe next week i will step it up to 2 songs but let me master the one song a day first.  yesterday the song was Tricky by Run DMC LOVE that song.  Reminds me of the part in Road Trip when the little dorky dude was get down and dancing to this song at the Frat house.  FUNNY movie.  I love Sean Williams Scott anyways. He is fricken hilarious. 

yesterday

ok so yesterday was my first steps on babysteps and i did pretty good. i  did park a little further but didn't park as far as i wanted because i was running late and i knew it was going to rain.  I did do some leg bends while doing visual fields on most people.  i would forget sometimes. on my break i did take a walk around the warehouse (note to self don't wear the brown shoes while trying to walk).  after i got off the computer yesterday morning but before my shower i put on some vanilla ice and worked my arms out for the length of the song.. love pandora radio.  so i think for the first day i did pretty good.  lets see how today goes.  wish me luck.

plus size madam

day one of baby steps

Ok so in my post yesterday i said i was going to do babysteps in my weightloss goal so today i am going to try to incorporate a little extra moving in my day.  I will leave my house a little early and park further away from my work so i have to walk a little bit.  I will also work on my stomach muscles while driving to work.  I will also do some leg bends while performing visual fields on patients today.  I think that is a good start.  I will let you know tonight how it went.  As my good friend jennifer said today "thats what I think this is all about, babysteps. weightloss is not about a diet. It is about making a hundred better choices every day."  And she should know because she use to weigh what i weigh now and has lost a lot of weight i think about 80 lbs...correct me if I am wrong Jennifer.  She is truely my inspiration  Love ya Jenn.   Have a wonderful day everyone and remember keep a smile on your face and look for the bright side in every situation.

Plus Size Madam

Back to school

Today was back to school for little alex after a 3 day weekend and boy did he have a hard time this morning.  I woke him up and said time to get ready for school and he says very loudly "NO i do not want to go to school!"  I knew then that this morning would be challenging to say the least.  Then dropping him off at school was horrible 2 people had to come out and help get him into school because he was screaming and yelling "mamma i want to go with you don't leave me here!"  It use to make me cry but now I am like he'll be fine in 2 minutes after i leave.  I hope this will end soon I was hoping it would get better as he got older but it seems to have gotten worse. Maybe by the time he gets into 1st grade it won't be so bad...or am i just dreaming :) 

Plus Size Madam

feeling??????

So I was watching the biggest loser episode from last week today and I love that show because it does get me to think about my weight and why on earth do i still keep the weight on me.  Honestly I know exactly what i need to do to lose weight but for some reason i just can't do it. I have a problem with staying focused on any one thing.  I will do good for a few days and possibly a few weeks but then it goes away.  Its not just with weight its with being organized, cleaning, and pretty much anything.  I am sure in someway it all ties into each other.  But such as this blog I will write for a bit but then stop.  My goal is to be organized, cleaner (i am talking like my house not me personally), financially better and for me to healthier....actually i am pretty healthy except for my weight.  For being as "morbidly" obese as I am I am surprisingly healthy. I do not have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesteral or any real health problems....except I do have SEVER sleep apnea which I would like to get rid of.

 I am very proud of myself though for continuing with school.  I started that last January and still going strong.  I think that has a lot to do with my need to make more money and also I have some great people that I go to school with that make it so much fun.  I guess just one step at a time.  I am doing the school thing but now I need to take the leap and do the weight thing.  I think my first step will be to do a little bit more moving.  I am for the most part a good eater...meaning i do love healthy food and i do not eat like someone my size would normally eat.  I see the people on the biggest loser and see the mass quanities that they eat on an average day and I am sitting there thinking I really don't eat that way.  I know that I have a problem with not eating for a long period of time then eating which i know is very bad for my metabolism.  So my first goal that I am going to create for myself is to move more. The way I will do this is I will move my arms while watching tv, i will move my feet and legs while at the computer or at my desk at work, i will work my stomach muscles while driving in the car or sitting down.  so this seems to be pretty easy but any amount of movement that is more than what i do now is good.  I will try this for a week and see how it goes. 
Plus Size Madam
PS For the record I am not striving to be skinny.  I know that this is not a possibility and I am ok with that. I just want to be about 150+ lighter than I am now.

Robert Carson pleads guilty

In 2007 an angel was taken away from this earth by what her family calls a monster.  Robert Carson a known sex offender brutally murder Brittany Hart.  Yesterday the "Monster" pleaded guilty to first degree murder to avoid the death penalty. He got 91 years to life which is the equivalent to life without parole.  I am glad that he will never be able to hurt another person again but I do feel for the family because they were hoping he would be sentenced to death.  The victim's sister is my beloved friend so I know how much pain she has been thru and how much this man has taken from her and her family.  I do hope though they can find some peace in knowing that he will not walk free and he will forever be a hamster in a cage as a reminder of the monster he really is.  Brandy I love you and hope you know I am here for you whenever you need me and hope that you can breath a little easier knowing that your sisters killer caught and will not be a free man ever again.

Update on Pacifier

In an earlier post I mentioned how my husband had given my daughter a pacifier and I wanted to let you know how that is going.  Yesterday I didn't let her take it to day care but when my husband picked her up they were requesting that we bring it back because she was less needy with it in the afternoon.  So i guess the pacifier is staying for a little bit.  I think it helps her because she is teeth but not really sure. Hopefully it is just a phase.

Good Morning

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Wednesday :)  I just got done watching a movie that I don't think I knew existed which is In the Land of Women.  Pretty good movie. Meg Ryan, Adam Brody, and Kristen Stewart where in the movie.  It was very sad in the middle but very uplifting at the same time.  I guy goes to live with his sick grandma because his girlfriend didn't want to be with him anymore and while he is there he befriends a mom and daughter.  It comes out the mom has breast cancer and the daughter has been mad at her mom for years.  The guy ends up helping the mom and daughter repair their relationship and the mom and daughter help him get over his ex and move on with his life.  Great movie probably a chick flick though so don't make your husbands or boyfriends watch it :)

Plus Size Madam

my husband has gone backwards

Ok so my almost 2 year old has never been a pacifier girl although when she was little we really wish she would have been :) but she has been a bottle girl.  she loves her bottle especially when trying to go to sleep.  I know you are suppose to take it away around 1 or so but she loves it and we let our son keep his till he was about 2 and he was fine.  Let me just say first that my daughter knows how to drink from a cup just to get that out of the way.  Ok so here is where my husband going backwards comes in.  My daughter had recently gotten a baby doll that had a pacifier and she was starting to put it her mouth and would carry it around in her mouth.  so my husband got the idea to buy her one yesterday and she has had it in her mouth.  I am not sure how i feel about this.  She doesn't suck on it but just keeps it in her mouth and will chew on it too. I know her teeth are bothering her and it seems to make her feel better and it's not like she has to have it in her mouth because if she doesn't see it she doesn't care but when she sees it she wants it. so I don't know.  last night she went to bed without a bottle but had the pacifier in her mouth which eventally fell out and she slept great. I guess we'll see how this goes did we just exchange one vice for another?

99cent store

So everyone knows that money is tight these days and quite frankly for most people it has always been tight.  So thanks to some wonderful friends I was turned on to the 99cent store.  Of course i had shopped there before for some random stuff but it wasn't until last year that I really noticed the amazing deals you can get from there.  Now the 99cent store is a store where if you see something there that you like you need to buy it then and there because it probably will not be there when you return.  They have great items even in foods.  I can't tell you home many times I have found great cucumbers, apples, squash (yes i eat squash LOL), peaches, kiwi, and loads of other fresh fruit and vegetables.  You can also find some good finds refridgerator section.  You can find sour cream, milk, lunch meats etc.  Now you are thinking they must be off the wall brands and you would be right they do have those BUT they do have name brand items as well.  Just this week I got wheat thins, ritz, and banana boat sunscreen (that stuff costs like $7+ in the stores) just to name a few. For my dollar I will continue to shop the 99cent store first then shop the other stores for the rest of my families needs.

HELLO EVERYONE

Just wanted to say hello to everyone and welcome to my blog if you haven't been here before. I am happy to report that last night that my almost 2 year old spent her first night away from my husband and I. She went to Grandma and Grandpa's with her brother and we had a wonderful night. We went to dinner at Barona Casino because we hadn't been there in a long time and to our surprise we won enough money to pay for our dinner at the buffet. We said we would only put $5 a piece in the machines and luckily it paid off. By the way the buffet they is really good. A lot better than it use to be. They added an american bbq station and it was really good. My husband liked it a lot too. After dinner we headed right out of the casino as to not be tempted by the bells and whistles of the machines. We headed to the movie theater to see the movie I had reported about in an earlier blog post called It's Complicated. The time that we wanted to see the movie at was sold out so we got the 10:50pm showing...i can't remember the last time i had been to a movie that was so late. And for me the movie was just as wonderful as the first time. My husband liked it but not as much as me but that is still ok he was laughing thru the movie. So we had a late night without the rugrats running around. it was great :) but it was great to get them back today as well. So Barona gets an A+ from me and my husband :)

dreaming of equations

I can't believe that I was dreaming about mathmatical equations last night. I had class last night which was math and ended up dreaming about equations how sad is that :)

Plus Size Madam

EBAY stuff

I don't have anything posted up on Ebay yet this year but keep checking back in the next couple weeks I will be putting somethings up.

Plus Size Madam

Movie Review on It's Complicated

I went to the movies over the weekend all by myself which is something that I don't think I have ever done, but with 2 kids and not having many babysitters available my husband will go to the movies by his self sometimes so I thought why shouldn't I do the same. I knew exactly what movie I wanted to see. I had seen the previews for It's Complicated and knew that was the one. I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!! I am not a person that buys movies when they come out and I am not a person that likes to see movies over and over (except for musicals and dance movies) but this one I will be buying and rewatching FOR SURE. Alec Baldwin was so cute in this movie...even though he was a cheater. He is getting older but still looks great in the face. Steve Martin wasn't in the movie that much in the begining but he was adorable. Meryl Streep was so good in this movie. I have not been a huge fan of her till recently when I saw her in Mamma Mia. The chemistry between her and Alec Baldwin is electryfing. I found myself rooting for them to get together at the end but was so torn because Steve Martin's character was adorable and so deserved to be happy. This movie was loaded with laughter too. The whole movie theater was laughing. I must see movie...i might even see it again before it leaves the theaters :).

Plus Size Madam

Happy New Year

Just wanted to send out a Happy New Year to everyone. I am currently trying a new product to help me detox and am finding I do like it. It's called 10-Day Acai Berry Easy Cleanse. It is super gentel and does make you feel a bit lighter. I bought this product at Costco because a friend of mine tried it and said she liked it. I did look at some of the reviews that it got online and a lot of people said it didn't work for them but because i knew someone who tried it i decided to get it anyways. Now if you are expecting to be running to the bathroom every hour or so then this is not the product for you. It will help you eliminate waste but is not like a laxative where you will be cramping and running to the bathroom. It is very gentle. I have been taking it for about 6 days now. You are suppose to take 2 pills when you wake up and 2 pills when you go to bed. For me I am not a person who remembers to take pills but am able to stick to this schedule (there was a day that I didn't take pills due to schedule issues but still find that it is working the way it should). Anyways I wanted to put a good review out about this product after seeing all the negative ones. Now realize that every body is different and may not work on everyone but for $18 (at Costco) it is worth a try.

Plus Size Madam :)