Change is hard.  As I have posted in years past that I need to change but have found that I haven't been able to change physically.  Now that I am approaching 35 I have a sudden urge to finally make that happen.  I was doing really good when I got back from the Scentsy Convention in Las Vegas at the end of July but then stumbled upon a little upset that knocked me off track.  Luckily I didn't go back to my starting weight but I didn't move forward.  I have come to the conclusion that I really need to dig deep this time.  I need to unravel all the reasons of why I am overweight.  I know one of the main reasons is I keep things in and I try to make others happy more than myself.  For some reason I think that other's peoples feelings are more important than mine.  I internalize other peoples problems.  I need to find ways to let the stress out of my body and I know that when that happens the weight will melt off.  

great quote

I found this in a article ‎"just because a relationship ends does not mean it was a failure. Each relationship showers us with gifts. For instance, joining our heart with another’s allows us to express and experience our deepest desires for emotional and physical intimacy" by Phil Bolsta.

issues

family issues are for the birds as my grandma would say. i feel like i am in a bubble sometimes that no one could understand the way i feel.  i also have some issues within myself about my past that i can't escape despite my efforts to move past them.  i feel that i am forever doomed to be haunted by memories of times past.  i guess that is ok but sometimes it makes me sad and feel a little hopeless like i am trapped in an episode of the twighlight zone. some people think it is great the way i can recall things but sometimes i think it can be more of a problem for me than a pleasure.  i can be walking thru the day and just be flooded with memories from all times of my life good, bad, funny, horrible, love , laughter, pain.....it goes on and on day in day out. sometimes i wish it would just stop but then i think well that is how people live on once they have exited your life or their own life. 

anyways i know i am just being emotional right now and it will pass soon but wanted to vent :)

longing

Longing for the one that will set you free and rescue you from all that is wrong in the world and make you feel warm and loved. Longing for the world to be a safe place where you can walk the streets and not worry about anything. Longing for your dreams to finally become a reality and live the life you fully intended on living.  Longing for friends and family to celebrate every milestone you stumble apon in life. Longing for the love you fully deserve to give to yourself but can't quite find the time or energy to give.  Longing for the wisdom to know not to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Longing to repair what is wrong within oneself but don't know where to begin.

Plus Size Madam

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having issues

I am having a hell of a time moving past certain events that have happened to me in the last 10-15 years.  sometimes they aren't there but then a song will come on and will bring me right back to where i don't want to be.  there is a song by miranda lambert that talks about how she went back to the house that she grew up in and someone else was living there, that song brings me to tears.  i miss my house that i grew up in.  i miss all the memories from the house and that street.  my dad built that house (well most of it at least).  i mainly miss the family that lived there....my mom, my dad, my sister, and the dogs and cats that were there too.  i wish that just for a moment i could go back to that time.  it is so hard looking at other families and seeing them do things together.

oh well at least i have the greatest friends in the world who i consider my family.i am truely blessed in that aspect.  i need to concentrate on the positive not the negative