Change has finally happened

So its been a long time since I have posted on here.  I checked my last post and I talked about how I needed to change myself physically.  I can honestly say that change has happened.  I have lost about 72lbs.  Which is huge.  I have a lot more to go but I can say that I have actually did something that I set out to do.  As a bigger person I had always been proud of the fact that my blood work and my blood pressure was really good.  In fact I use to shock medical professionals because of this.  Most people of my size suffer from many health ailments.  I felt like I had some how beat the "system". But about 2-3 years ago some of my blood work started to go in the not so good direction and it scared me.  My triglycerides were off the chart.  So I knew that I really had to do something.  I knew that having them high put me at greater risk for stroke and heart disease.  Plus about this time I started to have a lot of female issues that I had not had before.  So I said ok this is it.  I am not beating the "system" anymore.

So thanks to the Scentsy Wellnes program I was able to really push through some blocks.  I will also admit that I did take a weight loss pill that was prescribed.  And admittedly it helped but not in the way it was suppose to help.  This pill just helped me stay focused.  It didn't curb my appetite like it was supposed to but in fact made me hungrier.  Sounds like that would be a bad thing but in my case it was quite the opposite.  See I am not your typical obese person.  I don't sit around eating bags of potato chips and cookies till I can't walk anymore.  I don't constantly think of food.  I don't have an addiction to food.  My biggest problem is not eating when I am supposed to. I wouldn't eat breakfast and then wait till like 2 or so to eat.  Then I would eat dinner around 8.  By doing this I was causing so many problems for my weight.  So the medication helped me keep focused on eating when I was supposed to and focused on being prepared.  I don't take that medication anymore because of the side effects I had mixed with the birth control pills I am on for my female problems.  And I am happy to report that I am still losing weight without it.

One of my biggest problems is I do sabotage my self for some reason I am still trying to figure out.  I will go out of the house without having my snacks or lunch packed.  Or I will leave without my water bottle. Or that I don't take my fish oil (really good for inflammation I use it to help with my tendonitis) or my Vitamin D (I was extremely deficient a few months ago but now am back to normal).   I will say to myself as I am leaving "I know I should really do these things....but I just don't feel like it."  On those days I do regret doing that.  Because then I feel crappy the rest of the day.  When I do what I am supposed to do with my eating I feel so much better.  Also when I get enough water in the day I feel great.

I am still very much in the process of trying to figure myself out.  I know I have stored a lot of feelings and hurt inside myself and that is the real reason I am overweight.  Once I can let go of all that and let my true voice speak I will be free and I will be healthy inside and out.  Its going to take time but at least I am on the right path.

Change is hard.  As I have posted in years past that I need to change but have found that I haven't been able to change physically.  Now that I am approaching 35 I have a sudden urge to finally make that happen.  I was doing really good when I got back from the Scentsy Convention in Las Vegas at the end of July but then stumbled upon a little upset that knocked me off track.  Luckily I didn't go back to my starting weight but I didn't move forward.  I have come to the conclusion that I really need to dig deep this time.  I need to unravel all the reasons of why I am overweight.  I know one of the main reasons is I keep things in and I try to make others happy more than myself.  For some reason I think that other's peoples feelings are more important than mine.  I internalize other peoples problems.  I need to find ways to let the stress out of my body and I know that when that happens the weight will melt off.  

great quote

I found this in a article ‎"just because a relationship ends does not mean it was a failure. Each relationship showers us with gifts. For instance, joining our heart with another’s allows us to express and experience our deepest desires for emotional and physical intimacy" by Phil Bolsta.

issues

family issues are for the birds as my grandma would say. i feel like i am in a bubble sometimes that no one could understand the way i feel.  i also have some issues within myself about my past that i can't escape despite my efforts to move past them.  i feel that i am forever doomed to be haunted by memories of times past.  i guess that is ok but sometimes it makes me sad and feel a little hopeless like i am trapped in an episode of the twighlight zone. some people think it is great the way i can recall things but sometimes i think it can be more of a problem for me than a pleasure.  i can be walking thru the day and just be flooded with memories from all times of my life good, bad, funny, horrible, love , laughter, pain.....it goes on and on day in day out. sometimes i wish it would just stop but then i think well that is how people live on once they have exited your life or their own life. 

anyways i know i am just being emotional right now and it will pass soon but wanted to vent :)

longing

Longing for the one that will set you free and rescue you from all that is wrong in the world and make you feel warm and loved. Longing for the world to be a safe place where you can walk the streets and not worry about anything. Longing for your dreams to finally become a reality and live the life you fully intended on living.  Longing for friends and family to celebrate every milestone you stumble apon in life. Longing for the love you fully deserve to give to yourself but can't quite find the time or energy to give.  Longing for the wisdom to know not to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Longing to repair what is wrong within oneself but don't know where to begin.

Plus Size Madam

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